Haam & Maah

Tiny! Itty-Bitty! Haam!

Dinky! Smally-Dolly! Maah!

Hello! If you've seen me around on Bluesky or any other site I post to, you've likely seen me post about Haam and/or Maah, my two imaginary friends. Well, now that I have my own blog, I figured it'd be wise to set up this page so people can know all about the little dollies who run around my mind - in basically every sense of the word. You can differentiate them by their hair colour: Haam has black hair, and Maah has white hair.

LANGUAGE

Before we begin, it'd be wise to explain Dollyspeak, their unique manner of communication which consists of "W" sounds followed by a vowel. Now then:

These are the only sounds the dollies can make besides laughter and saying their iconic catchphrases, which I have so helpfully stuck under the header. They are capable of saying one another's catchphrase, but this is a very taxing endeavour for them.

Two small dolls striking energetic poses, flanked by a happy Rabbit wearing a flower crown.

Maah, and Haam, striking poses for the viewer, posed in Koikatsu by my good friend Nitz.

BORING CORPORATE DEALINGS

Now that that's out of the way, you may be wondering: Who and what are Haam & Maah? Fortunately I have the exposition autism so this will be a cakewalk.

In years gone by, in a country of no import, a toy company with no real relevance to our world was running out of money. Their entire business - making cheap knockoffs of existing franchise characters - had tapered off and they were seen as little more than unprestigious landfill contributors. Desperate, their CEO authorized the resident eccentric's pet project: Haam & Maah, your new best friend forever. Like many last-ditch efforts across the history of capitalism, these were a resounding failure. Haams and Maahs were identical to one another save for colour, and their default facial expression was pretty scary. Their designs weren't particularly striking and this, coupled with them being dumped to any store that would take them regardless of customerbase, betrayed a product with an uncertain target audience. Naturally, nobody bought them.

The fate that awaited the vast majority of Haam & Maah dolls was a miserable one. They were, en masse, sent to junkyards and promptly ignored. Some were bought as Christmas or birthday gifts and promptly discarded as parents gave up on trying to push them onto children who did not desire them. Mercifully, they were not melted down - The Country Of No Important forbids it - but they were abandoned nonetheless.

OUR HAAM, OUR MAAH

Two dolls riding on the back on a large chicken creature.

Haam and Maah, riding a friendly chicken through a nearby field. Posed by my good friend Conaron in Final Fantasy XIV, allegedly.

Two dollies, however, were spared from such a lonely fate. The Collector, an eccentric yet warm-hearted local aristocrat, was shopping around for something to add to her vast collection of much-loved and adored toys when she came across the last remaining Haam & Maah dolls in a store known only as the Dolly Store. She reached for Maah, but in the process accidentally knocked Haam into a cart meant for disposing of excess stock. You see, in this universe, toys and their ilk are animated by love. With The Collector's trace amounts of love in hand, Haam erupted from her packaging, sprinted out of the Dolly Store, and dashed as far and as long as her little dolly legs would carry her.

Maah was taken to The Collector's comfortable home, yet Haam was not so lucky. She ran in terror from the Dolly Store, stopping after thousands of dollymiles (about 0.5 in human miles) and finding herself in a parking lot, just as the clock struck prime time for cinemagoers. To the Northern side of it lay an alarming vertical staircase, which this noble little dolly scaled after dodging so many cars and pedestrians. Near the top, she tripped and stumbled into a loose tile under the step, which gave way to a small cave. Here, Haam established her first home, digging in the dirt for space and scrounging random detritus for furnishings. That bed made of scented napkins was practically heaven compared to a shelf! Eventually, after much arduous digging and constant visits to the outer staircase to look for Maah, Haam accidentally dug into a rabbit's burrow. While they were initially skeptical, their elder was very fond of Haam's little awawas and decided to look after her. Thus, Haam's first friendship was born.

A LITTLE DOLLY'S HUGE JOURNEY

Over time, Haam befriended much of the wildlife around her little cave, including insects and even the odd bird! Her friendliness eventually proved to be a boon, as eventually a pigeon descended with a message: A dolly, just like her, had been spotted sitting on a table's edge, overlooking the town, on the balcony of a local eccentric. Swinging her legs and humming along, it simply HAD to be Maah! Enthused, Haam scrounged together a sack of provisions (some gummy bears and a small thimble of water), waved goodbye to her many friends and set off.

Now, in human terms, Haam's journey was quite short and not very far. She merely crossed a parking lot and ascended a hill. But for Haam? A tiny little dolly only a mere four inches tall? Why, Odysseus himself would kneel. She braved ignorant humans who were unaware of her presence, a great many vehicles, rainfall, insects who didn't know better, a construction site, and many more perils. These were daunting, sure, but it was the hill itself that pushed her to her limit. She dispensed with her makeshift backpack, hyped herself up, and began the ascent. To call it gruelling is doing the little thing a disservice; she toiled for days trying to reach the top, taking shelter under assorted bushes, hedges and discarded food boxes overnight. At the end of her toil, she reached her destination: The Collector's House, a four floor estae with an attic, basement, balconies and extensive backyard. Not quite mansion or manor levels, yet more expansive and expensive than you or I will likely ever be able to afford.

ONE END AND THOUSANDS OF LITTLE BEGINNINGS

Tragically, I cannot in good faith lie to you and say that Haam fully succeeded in her journey by herself. I would like to, but this is an honest blogpost. No, Haam succeeded in ascending the hill, climbed the steps to The Collector's House... And promptly collapsed. The supply of love she'd accumulated from The Collector and from her friends had exhausted it, and exhausted her in kind. Her great odyssey was due for an undignified end in the rain until fate itself pulled a surprise from its hat. The Collector's cat, a particularly rotund Birman known as Pudge on account of his fat stomach, was out for a stroll and just so happened to chance upon the inanimate dolly. While such matters typically aren't his purview, he mistook Haam for Maah and begrudgingly dragged her inside.

Drenched yet safe, an inanimate Haam was deposited on the floor of The Collector's master bedroom. As she never uses it, the master bedroom and several other rooms have been entirely ceded to her friends. Maah, then occupied by watching her Bear friends learn how to play dodgeball, was alerted by Pudge's confused exclamation. that there were "TWO OF THEM!?". She made her way down from the table, onto a chair, did a big hop onto a stack of books, and landed gently on the floor. She waddled over, took one look at her fallen sisterdoll, and proclaimed with all of her heart: "AWIWE???". For as much as she loved her sister, a reunion felt impossible, and thus had escaped her tiny mind.

Shaking off shock, Maah cleared her throat and incanted her catchprase: "DINKY! SMALLY-DOLLY! MAAH!" Yet is was for naught, as Haam was incredibly distant. She chanted again: "DINKY! SMALLY-DOLLY! MAAH!" By this point, a crowd was forming. Her Bear friends, yes, but Pudge himself was watching with uncharacteristic intensity, and the Robin plushies up on the top shelves were curled the edge waiting to see what happened. Still, Haam did not stir. Desperate, Maah knelt down, took a deep breath, and readied herself for great strain. With a great shout, she invoked: "TINY! ITTY-BITTY! HAAM!"

Haam lay motionless, and her dejected sister was too weak to attempt another shout. It became increasingly clear that this, potentially, was the last time they would ever meet. It is fortunate for your sake, mine and theirs that this is not where the tale ends. No. Slowly, weakly, yet unmistakably alive, Haam's eyes began to open and her mouth began to warble out sounds. An excited Maah lept over to hug her sisterdoll and the audience let out an 'Awww' in unison - even the notoriously taciturn Pudge. Empowered by love, life returned to Haam's plastic form, and after sharing in a deep hug, she let out her first words as a citizen of Toytown: "TINY! ITTY BITTY! HAAM!" To which she was joined by her sister, making them the first Haam & Maah duo to complete their chant.